Chronic Patterns in relationships
Written By: Amanda Swisher, LPC
Relationships are one of the most prevalent things within our lives, whether we realize it or not. Most people only think of romantic relationships when hearing the word, but relationships encompass anyone that we come across. You have a relationship with your best friend, with your sister, your neighbor who offers to shovel your driveway every year, literally anyone you interact with.
Human beings are social creatures, and relationships can be a source of great joy and comfort. But what happens when we notice the same things over and over in our relationships, not just with one person but others, leaving us with a sense of being unfulfilled? When the same pattern keeps occurring in our relationships, those are referred to as chronic patterns.
Chronic patterns are, really, history repeating itself over and over again, regardless of new connections being formed. This phenomenon can be particularly distressing and detrimental to an individual’s mental health. So why do we keep engaging in these patterns, knowing that they lead to the same less than desirable conclusion? More importantly, what are these patterns and how can we break out of them?
Signs of a Chronic Pattern
Luckily, there are some signs that occur when you find yourself in a chronic relationship pattern. When thinking about your own relationships, ask yourself, what kind of recurring issues are you experiencing? Are the same conflicts coming up, over and over, regardless of partner/person? This can be one of the first indicators of a chronic pattern.
Our feelings can be a powerful indicator as well when something is amiss. What kind of emotions are you experiencing across your relationships? Do you find yourself feeling insecure, jealous, or inadequate? Experiencing the same negative feelings with various people is an indicator of a bigger issue, and one that needs to be addressed.
Do you react similarly in a variety of situations, like you have in the past, without thought or consideration? No two situations are ever alike. Certain situations can have aspects that are triggering or make us remember past times when something similar has happened, and we can easily mistake them for being the same exact situation that more than likely hurt us previously. But they’re not. The people are different, the setting is different, the age is different. The only constant is that you are the one experiencing it, and even you are different! You’ve grown and gotten wiser. But when you’re having the same reaction as you have in the past, this is a big sign that you're stuck in a chronic relationship pattern.
Red flags are another big consideration. I think it’s safe to say that we have all at one time or another, whether it be in a relationship, or a situation, witnessed giant red flags, things that make us take a step back and go, “Whoa, maybe I shouldn’t do this thing,” and chosen to ignore them. The goal is that we learn from that experience. But because of the ever changing nature of the human condition, sometimes we just don’t. Try to be aware of when you are continuously looking over red flags, or repeating the same mistakes in relationships despite knowing better, because this could mean it’s time for a change.
Lastly, feelings of being unfulfilled, or dissatisfied in multiple relationships is another sign that you're stuck in a chronic pattern. Relationships are supposed to be a source of joy and satisfaction. Every relationship has its stuff that comes up that needs to be worked through, but when you think of the overarching theme of the relationship, it should be generally good. If it’s not, and it’s not with multiple individuals, regardless of it being romantic or platonic, you just might be stuck.
Breaking Chronic Patterns
At the end of the day, how do we break out of these cycles that are causing such distress? First things first: take time to reflect on your previous relationships. What kind of recurring themes do you notice? Have you had these emotions before and what was the outcome in that situation? At the same time, pay careful attention to your thoughts, feelings, and reactions as you have them now in your current relationships. Ultimately, you’re looking for a way into your own behaviors. Take notice of the things you are repeating and look for an opening to introduce a change in behavior.
Another way to break out of these chronic patterns is to seek an outside perspective. An outsider’s viewpoint may be just what you need to start thinking of the situation in a new way. Maybe they have a different way of conceptualizing than you do and can bring something to the table that you haven’t thought of before. A friend, family members, or a therapist are really good resources for being able to obtain insight.
After looking at the past and gaining some insight into the present, it may be a good idea to figure out what your triggers are. What situations trigger specific emotional responses and/or behaviors? Triggers are called triggers for a reason. Something has happened in the past to create an automatic response to similar situations in the future and it can seem uncontrollable at first. But once you understand what your triggers are and how you react, you can step in and try to break the habit. Step out of your comfort zone with purpose! Recognize when you are triggered and challenge yourself to respond differently. A great way to start practicing this kind of self awareness is to start engaging in mindfulness. Mindfulness techniques help you to stay present and are one of the best tools to combat automatic responses.
Our relationships to other people can be one of the most important and beautiful things in our lives. We shouldn’t find ourselves feeling insecure, inadequate, or like no one out there understands us. Chronic relationship patterns can happen to anyone and trick us into thinking that there really is no one out there that understands us because look at how history repeats itself! Take the leap. Challenge yourself to explore your feelings and your behaviors. You just might find that real, lasting change is possible within your relationships, leading to a healthier, happier you.
